I won't beat around the bush.....this wait has me frustrated, scared, worried and frankly a little angry. I want my baby home.....well....yesterday. I want more definitive answers as to why this wait has become so long. I want to see Ruthie's sweet face. I want someone to tell me when I will hop on a plane and head to China. I want to know how much older my boys are going to be when Ruthie comes home. Ok, who am I kidding...I want to know how much older I am going to be and if I can really handle a baby again. I want to know if I should update all of my paperwork or let it expire until we are closer to travel. I want to know why you have to redo your fingerprints every 15 months.....don't they remain the same, hence the reason for having fingerprints? Do you see a common word in all of these statements? "I" have realized this week that this whole process has been a lot about me and what I want and when I want it instead of truly trusting God with our adoption, my marriage, my family and lots of other areas of my life. I sooooo want to be in control of it all!
Yesterday it was big news on the China adoption front that the one small bit of information that we get every month from the CCAA, via their website, was being taken away. Don't get me wrong, I am still frustrated about this, but it was just a box! I was all out of sorts and completely stressed over the removal of a box from a website....WHY????! What have I become? I have been telling people that through this adoption God is teaching me patience(and he probably is)however, I am more convinced this week that He is asking...NO....begging me to release my need to be in control and to learn to give it all to Him.
While I am flipping out over "the box", there are two heartwrenching stories unfolding in the adoption world that you can read about here and here. I do not know either of these famililes personally and feel a little apprehensive about posting about them but my heart is breaking for them. I don't understand these things and probably never will this side of heaven but I do know that God is still on His throne and He is good. Please pray for both of these families.
After reading about these two precious children, it didn't take me long to realize that I had the wrong perspective about everything. I have a great husband, two healthy children, the opportunity to grow my family through adoption, and generally a wonderful life. I cannot control the CCAA or the fingerprint thing anymore than I can control the weather so why should I be so worried about when and how this adoption is going to happen? I have decided(at least for today) that I am placing all of this at His feet and letting Him take care of it all. Life is so precious and is meant to be lived to the fullest and I don't believe God intended for us to live in turmoil, stress or worry all the time. My friend, Kelly, sent me some great bible verses yesterday that really helped me to put all of this into the right perspective.
"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord....Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14
"He does not fear bad news, nor live in dread of what may happen. For he is settled in his mind that God will take care of Him." Psalm 112:7-8
"I am the Lord, the God of all mankind; is there anything too hard for me?" Jeremiah 32:27
So, I am giving it all up and placing all of my trust in God. I have always said that He called us to adopt and that he won't forsake us. Now, it is time for me to truly believe that and actually live it. Pray for me!
13 comments:
Praying for you Angie and the other two families as well. Such a great post.
I do (pray for you) every day. Most heartfelt, real, post I think I have ever read. Thank you for your candor, your trust, your faith, your love...
"God answered their prayers because they trusted Him." 1 Chronicles 5:20
"Look straight ahead and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; then stick to the path and stay safe. Don't get sidetracked." Proverbs 4:25-27
Love,
Heather
I will continue to pray for you (and everyone else going through this)!
I have the same issue with control...I try to control everything...and also need to learn to give up the control and put everything in His hands.
I try everyday to not get so worked up about it...that it will happen when it's time. Some days are better than others.
Hang in there, Angie. Our time WILL come!
Angie, I am in the same place with this wait that you are. I am discouraged, sad and even angry. I will continue to pray for you and your family and everyone else going through this. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through...and we WILL get through it.
I absolutely LOVE your attitude, Angie. May God grant you His peace. This is so hard.
This is a lovely post. God is at work in us all. It is both painful and incredibly wonderful. Thanks for being so transparent my friend.
That is the best thing you can do right now. I know the frustration is there, but as Chet has told me many times--God will not give us more to handle than HE can help us to bear. Praying for you...
Hi Angie.Its hard isn't it.Although I'm a Catholic and go to Church.I wish I could have your beliefs and trust but personally I don't think about the God part..though if it helps you and others..lovely.
I just think its down to politics in China and rapid changes.China doesn't need western adopters anymore and I guess thats good when you think about it.OK,for us who have boys and always wanted a little girl,thats hard.Yet to think that there are less children suffering in China is wonderful and that they are being adopted within in their own culture is better for the children.
I have decided to move on and use 08 as a platform for change and if it happens it happens,we are blessed with our boys and i know you underatnd where I'm coming from
HUGS
Such a heartfelt post, and something I try to do everyday. This is so hard, and I try not to fight it. I so want to give up my fears, but I seem to pick them back up. I do way too much fussing!I need to remember that God will see this through. My prayers are constant.
It's evident that God is growing you through all this, Angie! I know how agonizing this wait is and wish that we could just make the "wait" go away. If that is His plan, He will...nothing is too hard for God. Praying for peace for you during the wait.
I am not religious persay... but like you I would like to know 'what is going on'... should I or should I not renew my fingerprints... when the time nears I will talk to my agency one more time... I too have decided that I am going to leave this whole 'adoption' up to fate/destiny... when the time comes - it will come... I am sick of worrying when... hang in there... take care
Just wanted you to know Angie that I nominated you for an award. Check out my blog. Your blog is always one of my favorites. Sending you a hug my friend. :)
Angie~ I beleive God is definitely wanting us to put our faith in Him throughout this process. Of course some days are better than others but we have to rely on Him and believe that His timing is always perfect. I think we all have days when we question our paths but God put you on this path and He will see you through it. At the end of this long road will be one of the greatest treasures you have ever known!
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