The Wait

"For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come." Habakkuk 2:3

Since we started the process to adopt Ruthie in January 2006, we have waited over 2 years...27 months, 16 days to be exact but who is counting? Well, I am! This wait has been one of the hardest and one of the best things I have ever been through. Some days are so much better than others where I really feel like I could wait 10 more years for her and be alright. Others are not so good and I feel like if I have to wait one more day, I will no longer be able to take in air. The wait is all consuming and starts to define who you are which is not a good thing. People ask us about "the wait" all the time. Seriously, it is like "the wait" is another member of the family....like it has taken on life and needs its own bedroom! We are asked questions like this:

~How is "the wait"?

~How are you handling "the wait"?

~When will "the wait" speed up?

~Why is "the wait" so long?

~My cousins half sister-in-law twice removed...adopted from China about 10 years ago and "the wait" was so much better for her than "the wait" is for you...why?

See what I mean? It starts to feel like a person who is now controlling your life and your conversations! A year ago I loved talking about China, Ruthie and the whole process but now it is physically painful, literally, to talk about it. I was at a ballgame about a week ago with a friend who is battling cancer and another lady joined us who also has cancer. The other lady wouldn't be quiet about her treatments, surgeries hair loss etc. After she walked off, my friend said, "I get so tired of talking about cancer, I live it, I don't want to talk about it too!". Not trying to compare it to cancer at all, but afterwards I thought about "the wait" and how I used to light up when someone asked me about it and how I couldn't wait to explain the process to them, now, I hope that no one asks me anything because I have nothing left to say. It is like my friend said....I live it, day in and day out, I don't want to talk about it too.

Lately, I have started questioning God(never a good thing) and wondering if we were really called to adopt. I keep thinking that maybe all of the setbacks that we have encountered are God's way of telling us that this is not His Will for our lives even though we genuinely feel like it is. Then one of my blogging friends, who is not adopting, sent me a daily devotional from Beth Moore. Michelle (Thanks!)told me that this certain days words reminded her of me and my faithfulness during "the wait". UGHHHH....I didn't want to read it, I was angry at God and felt very hypocritical that someone who doesn't know me outside of my computer thought that I was being faithful when really I have a bad attitude about the whole thing a lot of days. Anyway, I read the devotion and was blown away by it's words. I have saved it so that I can go back and read it when "the wait" throws me for a loop....again. Click here to read the whole devotion but I also wanted to share a couple of parts where I felt like God was speaking directly to me.

Like here:

Are we just snoozing our way through (purposeful) life and day dreaming about how we're going to chase down what Christ chased us down for - or are we going to wake up and actively pursue what God has created us for - even when the path gets rough? I ask the question because I've faced the dilemma. See if you can go here with me a minute: We get some vision from God and get pretty jazzed about it then, as God leads, we start taking steps that direction and suddenly the path gets hard. Or LONG. We wanted to leap there. Not crawl there. Somehow we weren't expecting it to be like this. We were thinking it was going to be fun. Always fulfilling. And, for crying out loud, not so dad-blasted hard and irritating. We didn't want to have to learn it or live it. We just wanted to do it. NOW.

So we retreat and decide we dreamed it all up - just like Satan was hoping we would. We don't understand that the pressures we face getting to our places of full-throttle effectiveness in Christ are crucial for developing the muscle to sustain ministry there. He's developing the character the calling requires.

OH MY GOODNESS!!! As I wept after reading this, I realized that it isn't God who causes me to question our decision but it is Satan trying to make me miserable and to make me turn from God. It says that we really don't want to learn or live our calling. HELLO!? But that to get us to the place God wants us to be we have to learn and live. Also, my favorite line in the whole devotion was where it says..."He's developing the character the calling requires". He has called me to mother an orphan from China and He is still developing in me all that I will need to do that to the best of my ability!!! How exciting is that?

So, yes, I have a lot of very frustrating days and even get angry because that is my human nature. Thankfully I serve a God that knows me, understands me and forgives my human nature. I am trying to be positive and faithful to Him during "the wait" but sometimes it is very hard. Today has been one of those days. I have actually read the devotion 3 or 4 times today! ;)

We are committed to our adoption and to bringing our sweet Ruthie home. We will endure "the wait" as long as it takes. We will pray, cry, and pray some more. We will learn and live. We will even answer questions when we really don't want to. And until it is time to travel to China.....I guess we will let "the wait" borrow Ruthie's bedroom....as long as it behaves!